What's your name? And where do you come from? And where are you going?

I'm so lost. I feel completely out of my depth. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want. I do know that I'm not happy. I do know that to make me happy I'll need a few thousand dollars for an airfare. I do know that my trip overseas does not include the stop off that will make me happy and I also know that I need to not be happy for a while. But dealing with this is hard. I am very lonely. My friends are here, but the dynamic of most of the friendships is changing. I am getting lonelier, growing distant. Things will never be the same again, no matter how much I try. I have lost direction. I don't know what I want from life any more. I don't know what will make me happy. I'm stressed. I don't handle stress well. I hate being aimless.

Death

I am studying for my First Aid Course, and am at the part on Heart Attacks. Reading about Congestive heart failure (when the heart is damaged from a long-standing heart disease or old age) I had a suddenly image overwhelm me:

Me, in a double bed similar to that of my Nan and Gramp's old house, alone, staring at the roof rafters. I have awoken from my sleep because of a heart attack. I'm old. He is dead. He has been dead a while. He is very much on my mind. Along with the pain I felt of losing him. I'm in terrible pain, but unable to make any noise. My heart gives way, I die. Alone. With family in the next room.