Argh

I am so angry tonight. And it's all his fault. I wouldn't be feeling so fucking friendless if it wasn't for him.

Who am I randomly going to go to torquay for a swim with? Who is going to take me for dinner? Who is going to make love to me? FUCK HIM. Fucking asshole. Yeah, he really loves me. So much so that he FUCKING BREAKS MY HEART.

ARGH!

Lonely...

Tonight I feel very pessimistic. Thoughts are crossing my head which have not done for many years. What is the purpose of living? To love? That is the best I can come up with. But he doesn't love me anymore. So why am I living?

Oh hang on, he does love me. He just doesn't want to be with me anymore.

Friends. They are here to fill the void, yes? Okay. So most would agree there are four in my closest circle of friends. Let's call them D, M, and J. I am closest with D, then with M, and I only really hang out with J when I'm with D and M. J is D's best mate, from long before M or I knew them. But D and M are quite close now too. I'm feeling outcast. Also, my only real female friend lives across the country and I feel like I have no one to talk to. No one in this city, at least. D, my closest, I can't open up to like I want to because he's a he.
It's odd.

Tonight I feel so alone.

Why am I so lonely?

Because he came to see me. Damn him. He loves me, and was concerned, so he came to see me two nights ago. This was bad. Now I am going through the loneliness phase again. I just want to be on the other side already. I would go to sleep but I know this feeling of loneliness will carry through tomorrow. Maybe it will get better tomorrow night.

Why are all my mates male? This is really odd to me. I don't understand. Maybe I have some psychological personality disorder. Maybe I should start seeing a shrink. What's the bet if I do the shrink will be male. Fuck. I fail at social. Maybe I am more nerd. Maybe it is the mask that is geek.

Break

A very close friend of mine made a suggestion. The thought had been floating in the back of my mind, but it hadn't yet surfaced. Then he suggested it. Awesome friend.
With regards to my not being able to pinpoint what it is that I want from my relationship, my mate said,
"Hey would it work if you reduced communication with him a bit? ...because you could be thinking too hard and coming up with possible outcomes/situations etc"
Genius. I think. Yes, it will be hard, but it's the most logical way I can think of to deduce what it is that I want more: intimacy, companionship, sex, friendship, and so on, and so forth. By not seeing my man (I really shouldn't call him mine, but I still have his heart so I guess it's okay), the element of our relationship I long for the most will float to the surface. Then I can talk to him, and we can make an A.P. based on this new information. Perfect.

Thanks for the awesome idea mate :)

Update

I am confused. I simultaneously understand and don't understand what he wants and needs. It is very confusing. Friends don't seem to be working because I can't stop thinking sexually about him. Lol! That sounds terrible. But it's true. I think I'd like to try the fuck buddies thing. This will do two things: It will stop me seeing him frequently enough to remain attached, and, it will satisfy my physical urges. We will still talk on the phone frequently. Well, that's the plan.
I just realised, I am attached to him again. That is where the problems start. Damn. I didn't want this. Oh well, too late now. I turned down the hard. Woot. (I guess I'm supposed to finish this all optimistic with something about how I will grow as a person because of this subconscious choice, but it's my blog and I am not really thinking that far into the future at the moment.)

Revelation

I came to realise today that I don't really love him anymore. I love the old man, the one who didn't push me away. This man, the one I am seeing in half an hour, is not the man I fell in love with. I don't love him anymore. This is a scary thought for me. And you know what? For the first time since this shit started I'm okay with it. I genuinely just want to be his mate. I don't want to put myself out there and risk getting hurt, I'd rather just be his mate. This all fits. It explains my sudden lack of interest in him, besides the sexual side. The sexual tension is enormous, but if you ignore that it's easy to see that I don't really want him anymore. He broke my heart once, and because I loved him I let him back into my life, and now he's being selfish and pushing me away again. Let him. I won't come back to him. Hopefully, in a few years when he returns, I will be overseas and he will have to really honestly try to find me. I feel good.

Hormones

So, I am being all hormonal and stupid. This stupidness is telling me I want to be alone. I don't want to talk to anyone, and I definately don't want to work today. He didn't ring me back last night. He says he was out with his housemate. Thanks. Nevermind that I was ringing to see if I could drop his stuff back. Now I just want to get rid of his stuff so I don't have to see him again. He wants to be single and not have a relationship. How could I have been so blinded? Fuck him. He has fucked me over AGAIN. Strangely, I cannot say bye. I do love him. Even though it feels like he has fucked me over again, toyed with my emotions. Does he really love me? He says he does, but I'm not so sure. I haven't been sure for the past month.

Problem

Nic tells me that I need to figure out what I want. I know what I want. I want him. Not necessarily as a boyfriend, but I want to be able to call him mine and to have that sort of connotation. But I can't have that because he doesn't want that. And that's okay, I can respect that. So now my problem is finding the backup of what I want. And this is the problem. I can:
1) Cut all contact. This seems the most logical at the moment. Makes it easier when he leaves, stops me getting too attached again, and gives me the independence and him the freedom we want. But I love him too much to actually go through with this. It is too hard, especially when I know he lives 15mins away. So, option
2) Be friends. Pure and simple. Still hang out, still talk lots, still be each others' shoulders, but no sexual contact, which should be the buffer to becoming too attached. This would be easier than no contact because I can still hang out with him. And as our whole relationship was built on friendship, this should be easy. Except for the physical attraction. There is this enormous sexual tension between that I can't stand, and yet love. I simultaneously want him and don't want him. If we spend too much time together we will break. Which results in option
3) Friends and fuck buddies at the same time. Good, because it satisfies our sexual needs and our companionship needs. Bad, because I will get confused as to what we are, and start REALLY wanting him as a bf. Not to mention that it's like we're a couple anyway, just without the title.

So what can I do? Is there a hybrid of the three that will work? How can I tell him what I want when I don't know? Eeek! This is messy. :(

Later...

He's been back for a while now and I guess I am dealing okay. The sexual tension is intense, but we have decided that it is for my benefit if we are just mates until he leaves. That way I won't get too attached. (At least that is the plan...)

Odd that we still kiss I guess.