Welcome Home

He's back. At first I couldn't wait to see him. But things have changed. I have changed. I had just about convinced myself I didn't need him and then he came home. Now I'm just confused. Part of me wishes he would just leave already, at least that is clearer. Now I don't know what to do. What are we? Is it possible to be 'just friends' and 'f buddies' at the same time and not call it a relationship? I'm almost certain that's what we were before, but that was so close to the relationship line I almost went crazy. And now we face the same predicament. Do I put my foot down and say we are just friends or let myself be swept into that sort-of-relationship again? I think a more important question is: Am I strong enough to put my foot down and hold it there?

Lately...

Lately it's not getting easier. So he told me he gets home on Thursday. I am a mix of dreading the day and longing for it. I love him, but I am questioning his reasons for leaving me when he (supposedly) loves me. We have argued via text. It's obvious we need to talk and I need to figure out what I want. I don't think I should let anything happen when he gets back. I think distancing myself is the best option, but again, I'm not sure.

It's odd, nothing is clear. Usually with him it is black and white. But this is grey. So very grey.

Perhaps

Today i awoke at 13:30 with all good intentions of getting up and getting things done. This what not to eventuate, however. It seemed I had lost my will to get up. I mean, why should I get up? He is not in this country, so why bother? I am not going to be able to see him for a long time, so why bother? So I didn't. I snoozed and read all day until 19:00, where I got up to go to my cousins for some light-hearted play.
All interactions feel meaningless. Idle chatter just frustrates me. What is going on in my head? Why am I becoming idle in thought and direction? Argh.

Question Existing

Who am I living for?
Is this my limit?
Can I endure some more?
Chances are given,
Question Existing.

Was it all a dream? I can barely tell today. A friend told me last night, 'He's not coming back. Get over him.' Is this true? I don't know. What is the purpose for our lives if not for love? Where do we draw meaning from? Friendships? They are love, I guess, but a lesser type of love, not completing. Looking around me people seem content in their lives. Are they in love? Maybe. Have they experienced their soul being moved by someone else's? I will never know. I doubt there are more people who have been in real love than those who haven't. This begs me to ask: How do those who have not experienced love find happiness in everyday life? That is the key for me at the moment.

The void is large, the knowledge to fill it, weak, and the desire to fill it, weaker. How am I to be satisfied in everyday life? My friendships, the shoulders I thought would lift me through this time, have turned.... not superficial, far from it, but rather... shallow? Is that the word I am after? Perhaps unfulfilling is a better word. ...No, that's wrong too. They are not as satisfying, that is for sure.

Sometimes I wish I had never fallen in love. This would be so much easier. If ignorance is bliss, sometimes I yearn for ignorance. To find happiness in everyday life when there is such an element missing, to gain happiness from everyday interactions and to feel fulfilled from that, would be welcome right now. I must take a step down from love and accept that this break is a good thing. If it is just a break, and not a permanent one.

If it was real, and not a dream. I have all these physical possessions, trinkets that remind me of him, photos of us together... scribbled notes we left for one another. Were they real? Honest? True? Do they really carry as much meaning as I will them too? I would give up everything in my life, my motorbike, television, internet, gold, if I could have him forever. And this questions the difference between my need and want for him, a partial point of this break. I guess I just want to know if he is going through the same thing. That is,
If it is just a break, and not a permanent one.
If it was real, and not a dream.

Who am I living for?
Is this my limit?
Can I endure some more?
Chances are given,
Question Existing.