Home

I'm home now. I don't know if this makes me happy or not. It was kind of nice to ignore Melbourne and become Perth-absorbed for a while, but I suppose I do need to come back to reality now. Also, work tomorrow. I want to be in Perth again.

Indifferent

I'm sort of indifferent today. I know that returning to Melbourne tonight will be lonesome but I am okay. Also hungover.

Weakness

I cried today. Only three days after he left. I only cried because he came online and we spoke for the first time since he left. I knew he was safe though, he texted me. But today I let a little bit of it out. I guess because I am home alone and no one else will be home for a few hours.

Also, yesterday I was feeling quite alone. I doubted the usefulness of my visit, and began to favour the familiarness of home and friends I see more regularly. Then I went to a mates to pick up a baking tray, and he unknowingly made me realise how awesome my mates here are. Doubts stricken from the record I went to a girlfriends for a sleepover.

Night

It is night, and although I have yet to cry, I am feeling quite down. One of my Perth friends took me to the beach tonight. We lay in a swag to keep warm and just stayed there for a while. It was nice. I like the sound of the waves and the clouds moving overhead.

I miss him. I want him back. I am being selfish, I know. Tonight I cry inside.

Done

Bye. I rang this morning before he flew out. He rang me back when he landed in Perth and texted me before the plane took off. He is currently on the four hour flight to Denpasar. He promised to call or text when he lands. He will definately let me know his international number when he gets the new SIM card.
I feel empty. Devoid of feeling. Is this odd? Or is this denial? Or, perhaps there is the slightest chance that I have acknowledged that he is coming back, and have decided not to let this bother me. Having said that, I may have filled myself with false hope - yes he is coming back, and yes he may have mentioned that it could be for more than a week. But I'm not sure I want to believe that. I think it will be easier for me to deal with if I ignore that. The return date is still a mystery to me. I don't know when he will be back. He has hinted he will be back for my birthday. But I don't want to think about that either because it means he will be back for more than a week.

Essentially I don't want him back for more than a week. If he does come back for an extended period of time before finally moving overseas it will be just as hard next time. I don't want to put myself through this more than I have to. I don't want to feel so much because of one person. I want to be stronger than that. But I can't help it. He loves me, and I reciprocate. That is why he cannot come back. That is why I can't see him when he comes back. I must not need him anymore.

Perhaps this is what this is all about: my needing him. Previously we have spoken every day. When he has been travelling it has not been for more than three weeks and so I have not needed to adjust anything. Now he is moving. Indefinately. Well, he will be coming home, but when? He doesn't even know. And yes, I can and will go to visit him, but that cannot be next year at all because my finances will not allow. This will be my hardest part: full, complete independence. My friends seem to think I am stronger than I give myself credit for, but they do not know what I actually feel, because the mask is up in front of everyone. Everyone, including him. He cannot know what is going on with me because then he might do something he will regret later, like come home prematurely. He needs this trip, I can see that. That's why I encouraged him to go. I put myself above my own feelings and thought about what he needs. He needs this trip. Do I?

Goodbye Day

Today we say goodbye. Yes, we will talk on the phone when he is at the airport, but I will not be there and today is our last chance to hug and kiss and cuddle.

I don't how I feel. Once again, it's a complex bag of emotions.

A good thing

So I spent the night with him last night. Our last encounter will be tomorrow, for no more than an hour, as that's all my work schedule permits. He leaves the next morning before I wake up.
This is a good thing.

We talked a fair bit last night, and I've com to realise that this trip will be more beneficial for him than I had first thought. He honestly really does need some time alone, and although it's nothing against me, I happen to be the one who has to deal with it. But that's alright, I will have my own benefits to him leaving. I will rediscover my independence and grow into the next phase of my life. This is a good thing.

The time apart will hlp us both as individuals, but will we be able to reconnect when he returns? How long he is going for will contribute to this, as well as how well we maintain communication. I think that is my biggest fair at the moment: what if we lose what we have and cannot reconnect? What if we fall out of love, or worse, what if one of us falls out of love? But then again, this break could very well be a necessity, one we both need yet one we both are not willing to initiate. In that case,
This is a good thing.

Later...

Doing things helps. It cures the thoughts. Distracts. Makes it seem less prominent and enables me to continue with my life. Perhaps this is how I will deal. Block it out until I am alone and it traps me.
Finally I got some things done today, clicked a few things off a list. Then I watched Dexter. Good show, quite therapeutic, successfully distracted me enough to almost forget the fourth day.
Almost.

Breaking

At night, things seem worse. I know it's not just me. At night, everyone who is even slightly emotional gets their feelings amplified. And as such, when, at night, I have been feeling particularly down about him leaving I have ignored it and passed it off as a night phenomenon. But today... Today was different...

I awoke this morning and the confused but ultimately sad feeling had chased me down and cornered me in a blanket of the soft morning light. Light. Since when does this happen? Since the subconscious countdown got down to four. Four days left. Wow. So today is different. Today I broke. Today I realised that there's only four days left and then... And then what? What will happen when he's gone? I don't know how I will react to it, nor how different my life will be. I do know that it will be hard. I do know that my little trip to Perth is really the mask I will be wearing for a while after the fourth day. I do know that no one really knows or understands what I am going through when I put this mask on. Or even know or understand what I was going through when I had the other mask on. Denial. Works well to block thoughts and present a calm demeanor.
But today is different.
Today I broke.