Who do you want to be?

I want to be liked by everyone. Not because I'm concerned with being popular, but I want to be a genuinely nice, caring person, and a reaction from that, I believe, is that more people like you. I've found it hard in the past, and my best mate claims that I have a unique, blunt personality. I am not sure I'm happy with that. I think that by wanting to be someone better I will start to change myself, not dramatically quick, but rather quite subtly instead.

I am Colorblind

Tonight I miss being with him and being in love.

Me.

Who am I? Who do I want to be? How do I want to be perceived? Does it matter how I am perceived? To be genuinely happy with my life do I have to figure out who I am or just forget myself and live in the moment?

A friend told me another friend's honest opinion of me. It was, like me, quite blunt and to the point. Yes, it stung a little. Am I really like that? Was I really a bitch at that incident? Am I really pig-headed enough to believe he was trying to pick me up? Does it matter how I acted as long as I reacted truly to myself? I know a lot of people can't handle my personality as I am quite... immediate. Do I honestly care what people think of me? Yes, to a degree, I most certainly do. Should I change myself so that when I hear opinions like this I hear a reflection of what I want myself to be or should I just accept that my experiences have shaped me into myself and that everyone is entitled to their opinion? I am very divided on this.
On one hand, I want people to say that I am what I morally aim for: honest, wanting the best for those less fortunate, caring, giving, good-hearted, genuinely concerned for others etc. On the other, I do not want to actively change my personality on the basis of others. Perhaps if I continue towards my moral aims in life these opinions will naturally follow.

If my quest in life is to find out who I am, will I regret not living in the moment? Similarly, if my quest in life is to forget myself, live purely in moment and make every experience as awesome as it can be, will I regret not finding myself? Does one of these lead to the other or must an equilibrium be found?

In the end, will I look back and say, "That was who I was. That was what I did. And I do not regret a moment of it."

Boys will be boys

So I was hanging out with the boy I like and his mates. I sorta know his mates through work, but we've only started hanging out because of this boy. So why do they insist on making him look bad? Cracking jokes at his expense? It's rather rude. More importantly, do I do that?? Eeek I will call a mate and ask.

Changes

So I am lasting the week off. It has been hard, and the urge to text immense, but I have survived. This break has made me appreciate him more as I have realised how much I truly love him.

On twitter he updated the he has his first day of uni tomorrow. Whether that means he got a job there or is actually studying I don't know but I wish I did. I suddenly have an overwhelming sense of isolation. Perhaps exclusion is a better word. He is not very good at sharing his life with me and randomly springs information like that. I hate it. What makes him forget to tell me these things?

I found out he was leaving to go overseas by listening to him tell a friend at a dinner. Thanks for the update, appreciate it. I honestly would like for him to share his life with me more. Then again, we aren't together. My bad.

Getting Dragged Back

If you couldn't tell by my last post, I'm quite hormonal at the moment. This may have exploded last night and mainly tonight on the phone to my Mr. Big. I turned into the mutant psycho chick from hell and it wasn't until he said, 'I'm getting really annoyed with you now,' that I realised what I had turned into. I promptly got off the phone and reflected. I'm not sure what it was that suddenly stopped the hormonal influx, and as the only factor I can think of is him saying that, that must be it.

I was really questioning him and why he loves me, if he loves me, how he loves me, why he did this, why he did that... Guys, take your most horrible perception of a chick being upset with you and that's what I was. It was ghastly. I like that word.

There were good things to come of this, however:

• We are both reflecting on our relationship - how we'd like it, how it is, what we feel and mostly are we happy?
• We decided to take a week's break to determine this.
• I came up with the idea of having monthly breaks from one another so we don't get sick of each other or fall into a rut, and to re-evaluate, should we feel the need to.
• These breaks mean entirely no communication. No texts, emails, calls, or face-to-face contact.
• Lastly, I realised I turned into psycho bitch and apologised. He understands how hormones can do that sometimes, but also appreciates that the concerns I raise under the influence of hormones are some genuine thoughts I just haven't consciously realised yet.

This is why I love him. He clears my head. Makes me think logically. He makes me take a step back from the building and look around the corner for a side door. He has had a dramatic effect on my life and changed the way I think for the better, and I am eternally grateful. Lastly,
I love the effect he has on me, the spell.

Hmmm

How do you know if someone really, truly, genuinely loves you? Perhaps the fact that I question this, whether he loves me, proves that I love him, as I clearly want it to work out.

Perhaps I am just hormonal.


I think I am questioning if he 'loves' me because it is a habit, or because I sleep with him. Am I a bad person? I feel it even for thinking these thoughts.