What's your name? And where do you come from? And where are you going?

I'm so lost. I feel completely out of my depth. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want. I do know that I'm not happy. I do know that to make me happy I'll need a few thousand dollars for an airfare. I do know that my trip overseas does not include the stop off that will make me happy and I also know that I need to not be happy for a while. But dealing with this is hard. I am very lonely. My friends are here, but the dynamic of most of the friendships is changing. I am getting lonelier, growing distant. Things will never be the same again, no matter how much I try. I have lost direction. I don't know what I want from life any more. I don't know what will make me happy. I'm stressed. I don't handle stress well. I hate being aimless.

Death

I am studying for my First Aid Course, and am at the part on Heart Attacks. Reading about Congestive heart failure (when the heart is damaged from a long-standing heart disease or old age) I had a suddenly image overwhelm me:

Me, in a double bed similar to that of my Nan and Gramp's old house, alone, staring at the roof rafters. I have awoken from my sleep because of a heart attack. I'm old. He is dead. He has been dead a while. He is very much on my mind. Along with the pain I felt of losing him. I'm in terrible pain, but unable to make any noise. My heart gives way, I die. Alone. With family in the next room.

Bummed

I really want to ride. A mate posted that he was going for a ride and now I definitely want to ride too. But I can't. Because my stupid wrist is injured. I can't even play Guitar Hero without injuring it. Super sad. I feel so useless. I doubt I will even be able to do that jobs I applied for tonight (in call centres) because, to be honest, it hurts to type. Argh. This is unbelievably frustrating. I am on the verge of tears from frustration.

Also Nats Blues. I feel so alone right now. Look at my pics. Don't I look happy? What happened that made it all change? I think I will play some Guitar Hero then study. I need to keep in the moment. You are happy when you are not worrying about the past or future.

Mates

I think I've figured out my formula to happily navigate nightshift, one week before I change back to days. As long as I get up around 3pm, exercise regularly, try to avoid unhealthy foods, and focus my days off on spending time with mates, it's quite managable. Perhaps I am just on a high.
I mean, who am I kidding? I hate nightshift. I much prefer days. Luckily, three more nightshifts and I am free! Back to a solid, healthy routine. Bring it on. Totally pumped for it.
Also means I can go trekking with my Mum to help train me for Everest in December. I will have a new blog for that, but I won't have it up and running until I am about to leave. Stay tuned, excitement to come!

Argh.
Nightshift is so lonely. I am sick of hanging out with workmates. They are good because we work the same hours but bad because I work with them. I miss my out-of-work mates. The ones I haven't seen in ages because I'm working so much. I hate nightshift. I want dayshift again. Two weeks, chop chop.
Also the perpetual tiredness. WAKE UP! I only got up three hours ago and I'm sleepy enoguh to sleep.
Argh.

Just GO!

Tonight is not the night for waiting.

Tonight I question. This will be a long post, fasten your seat belts.

My mind is restless. People are good at coming up with excuses. I am not in the mood to understand. Why can't I just fly to another country tonight? Why can't I call work and tell them I won't be coming in? Why do I need to hold down a job? There will always be work. The problem with working is that it takes away the time you are supposed to be living.

In life, I just want to be happy. I am not going to get happy by working, I think that is tried and tested. I believe it is a sound statement if I say, 'Happiness is obtained by the experiences we have.' I also believe our experiences are limited if we stay in one place. By experiences, I am talking change-your-life moments; real experiences. Therefore I conclude that if I leave and go somewhere else I am more likely to encounter one of these real experiences, thereby making my life happier.

There comes an age when one is simply too old to continue searching for these experiences. That is when you retire and stay in one place. I am quite sure that, if you counted the number of life changing experiences someone who stayed still their whole life had, and compared it to the number you will have after retirement, the number will be quite similar by the time you are both on your deathbed.

Of course, this cannot be guaranteed, and right now 80% of the people reading this are thinking, 'What a load of bullshit! She is saying we have to travel to be happy!' I'm not. I'm just saying that, personally, I want to be happy. To be happy I have to know myself. To know myself I have to have had the largest variety to experiences possible, as that determines ones personality traits. And I am not going to have the largest variety of experiences possible at home.

The main reason I am still at home is, I am afraid. Of what exactly I cannot tell you. Perhaps it is the mold we all have been raised to... All I know is that tonight, that lingering thought of, 'Just go!' has a louder voice than all the others in my head. The desire to leave Australia is far greater than my perceived rewards should I stay. I also realise, in this mindset, that nothing terribly bad will happen if I just leave. I'll lose my job. Woop-di-doo. That's about it. Essentially, if I were ever going to be at a point in my life to just leave, it would be now. I have close to zero responsibilities, and yet I just cannot pin-point what is keeping me here.

Anyway, to sleep now. Tomorrow is another day at work.

Who do you want to be?

I want to be liked by everyone. Not because I'm concerned with being popular, but I want to be a genuinely nice, caring person, and a reaction from that, I believe, is that more people like you. I've found it hard in the past, and my best mate claims that I have a unique, blunt personality. I am not sure I'm happy with that. I think that by wanting to be someone better I will start to change myself, not dramatically quick, but rather quite subtly instead.