Tonight I know I love him. I had a moment... a sweet, beautiful moment... where I let the feeling fill me. I felt how good it would feel to see him again; to feel his touch, his kiss... to be consumed by his love for me. And yet two days ago I was furious at him. How is it that I can feel so much for one person? He is coming over later today, after I've slept, to help me rearrange my room. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I am sure that I am still madly in love with him.

And that draws the conclusion that I am not ready, nor do I want, a relationship with another man. No matter how different the men are. I am in love. I will always be in love with him. It is not fair to any other guy for me to start something. Which is why I must talk to The Boy and tell him this will not work. I am not ready for any sort of commitment. I am not over my Mr. Big, and therefore The Boy cannot stick around.

Fuck.

He is my Mr. Big.


Fuck.

Dammit

Dammit! He won't get out of my head. I think I need to see a psychologist. Maybe they can help me. I want to know if it was this hard for him when he went through this... I want to call. Fuck it. I'll call. Even though he's probably still out partying, or maybe even at some random chicks house... argh. Do I really want to call? Alright, I will text him.

I knew he wouldn't reply straight away. Now I'm wondering why.... sleeping? Sleeping with someone? Still out? Argh. GET OUT

Who are you to make me wait?

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
---Who was I to make you wait---
Just one chance
Just one breath
---Just in case there's just one left---
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
---I keep dreaming you'll be with me---
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
---I don't see you anymore---

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
---Give anything but I won't give up---
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
---I keep dreaming you'll be with me---
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
---I don't see you anymore---

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
---I need to hear you say---
That I love you
---I have loved you all along---
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
---Hold on to me and, never let me go---
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
---Hold on to me and, never let me go---
Keep breathing
---Hold on to me and, never let me go---
Keep breathing
---Hold on to me and, never let me go---

Argh

I am so angry tonight. And it's all his fault. I wouldn't be feeling so fucking friendless if it wasn't for him.

Who am I randomly going to go to torquay for a swim with? Who is going to take me for dinner? Who is going to make love to me? FUCK HIM. Fucking asshole. Yeah, he really loves me. So much so that he FUCKING BREAKS MY HEART.

ARGH!

Lonely...

Tonight I feel very pessimistic. Thoughts are crossing my head which have not done for many years. What is the purpose of living? To love? That is the best I can come up with. But he doesn't love me anymore. So why am I living?

Oh hang on, he does love me. He just doesn't want to be with me anymore.

Friends. They are here to fill the void, yes? Okay. So most would agree there are four in my closest circle of friends. Let's call them D, M, and J. I am closest with D, then with M, and I only really hang out with J when I'm with D and M. J is D's best mate, from long before M or I knew them. But D and M are quite close now too. I'm feeling outcast. Also, my only real female friend lives across the country and I feel like I have no one to talk to. No one in this city, at least. D, my closest, I can't open up to like I want to because he's a he.
It's odd.

Tonight I feel so alone.

Why am I so lonely?

Because he came to see me. Damn him. He loves me, and was concerned, so he came to see me two nights ago. This was bad. Now I am going through the loneliness phase again. I just want to be on the other side already. I would go to sleep but I know this feeling of loneliness will carry through tomorrow. Maybe it will get better tomorrow night.

Why are all my mates male? This is really odd to me. I don't understand. Maybe I have some psychological personality disorder. Maybe I should start seeing a shrink. What's the bet if I do the shrink will be male. Fuck. I fail at social. Maybe I am more nerd. Maybe it is the mask that is geek.

Break

A very close friend of mine made a suggestion. The thought had been floating in the back of my mind, but it hadn't yet surfaced. Then he suggested it. Awesome friend.
With regards to my not being able to pinpoint what it is that I want from my relationship, my mate said,
"Hey would it work if you reduced communication with him a bit? ...because you could be thinking too hard and coming up with possible outcomes/situations etc"
Genius. I think. Yes, it will be hard, but it's the most logical way I can think of to deduce what it is that I want more: intimacy, companionship, sex, friendship, and so on, and so forth. By not seeing my man (I really shouldn't call him mine, but I still have his heart so I guess it's okay), the element of our relationship I long for the most will float to the surface. Then I can talk to him, and we can make an A.P. based on this new information. Perfect.

Thanks for the awesome idea mate :)

Update

I am confused. I simultaneously understand and don't understand what he wants and needs. It is very confusing. Friends don't seem to be working because I can't stop thinking sexually about him. Lol! That sounds terrible. But it's true. I think I'd like to try the fuck buddies thing. This will do two things: It will stop me seeing him frequently enough to remain attached, and, it will satisfy my physical urges. We will still talk on the phone frequently. Well, that's the plan.
I just realised, I am attached to him again. That is where the problems start. Damn. I didn't want this. Oh well, too late now. I turned down the hard. Woot. (I guess I'm supposed to finish this all optimistic with something about how I will grow as a person because of this subconscious choice, but it's my blog and I am not really thinking that far into the future at the moment.)

Revelation

I came to realise today that I don't really love him anymore. I love the old man, the one who didn't push me away. This man, the one I am seeing in half an hour, is not the man I fell in love with. I don't love him anymore. This is a scary thought for me. And you know what? For the first time since this shit started I'm okay with it. I genuinely just want to be his mate. I don't want to put myself out there and risk getting hurt, I'd rather just be his mate. This all fits. It explains my sudden lack of interest in him, besides the sexual side. The sexual tension is enormous, but if you ignore that it's easy to see that I don't really want him anymore. He broke my heart once, and because I loved him I let him back into my life, and now he's being selfish and pushing me away again. Let him. I won't come back to him. Hopefully, in a few years when he returns, I will be overseas and he will have to really honestly try to find me. I feel good.

Hormones

So, I am being all hormonal and stupid. This stupidness is telling me I want to be alone. I don't want to talk to anyone, and I definately don't want to work today. He didn't ring me back last night. He says he was out with his housemate. Thanks. Nevermind that I was ringing to see if I could drop his stuff back. Now I just want to get rid of his stuff so I don't have to see him again. He wants to be single and not have a relationship. How could I have been so blinded? Fuck him. He has fucked me over AGAIN. Strangely, I cannot say bye. I do love him. Even though it feels like he has fucked me over again, toyed with my emotions. Does he really love me? He says he does, but I'm not so sure. I haven't been sure for the past month.

Problem

Nic tells me that I need to figure out what I want. I know what I want. I want him. Not necessarily as a boyfriend, but I want to be able to call him mine and to have that sort of connotation. But I can't have that because he doesn't want that. And that's okay, I can respect that. So now my problem is finding the backup of what I want. And this is the problem. I can:
1) Cut all contact. This seems the most logical at the moment. Makes it easier when he leaves, stops me getting too attached again, and gives me the independence and him the freedom we want. But I love him too much to actually go through with this. It is too hard, especially when I know he lives 15mins away. So, option
2) Be friends. Pure and simple. Still hang out, still talk lots, still be each others' shoulders, but no sexual contact, which should be the buffer to becoming too attached. This would be easier than no contact because I can still hang out with him. And as our whole relationship was built on friendship, this should be easy. Except for the physical attraction. There is this enormous sexual tension between that I can't stand, and yet love. I simultaneously want him and don't want him. If we spend too much time together we will break. Which results in option
3) Friends and fuck buddies at the same time. Good, because it satisfies our sexual needs and our companionship needs. Bad, because I will get confused as to what we are, and start REALLY wanting him as a bf. Not to mention that it's like we're a couple anyway, just without the title.

So what can I do? Is there a hybrid of the three that will work? How can I tell him what I want when I don't know? Eeek! This is messy. :(

Later...

He's been back for a while now and I guess I am dealing okay. The sexual tension is intense, but we have decided that it is for my benefit if we are just mates until he leaves. That way I won't get too attached. (At least that is the plan...)

Odd that we still kiss I guess.

Welcome Home

He's back. At first I couldn't wait to see him. But things have changed. I have changed. I had just about convinced myself I didn't need him and then he came home. Now I'm just confused. Part of me wishes he would just leave already, at least that is clearer. Now I don't know what to do. What are we? Is it possible to be 'just friends' and 'f buddies' at the same time and not call it a relationship? I'm almost certain that's what we were before, but that was so close to the relationship line I almost went crazy. And now we face the same predicament. Do I put my foot down and say we are just friends or let myself be swept into that sort-of-relationship again? I think a more important question is: Am I strong enough to put my foot down and hold it there?

Lately...

Lately it's not getting easier. So he told me he gets home on Thursday. I am a mix of dreading the day and longing for it. I love him, but I am questioning his reasons for leaving me when he (supposedly) loves me. We have argued via text. It's obvious we need to talk and I need to figure out what I want. I don't think I should let anything happen when he gets back. I think distancing myself is the best option, but again, I'm not sure.

It's odd, nothing is clear. Usually with him it is black and white. But this is grey. So very grey.

Perhaps

Today i awoke at 13:30 with all good intentions of getting up and getting things done. This what not to eventuate, however. It seemed I had lost my will to get up. I mean, why should I get up? He is not in this country, so why bother? I am not going to be able to see him for a long time, so why bother? So I didn't. I snoozed and read all day until 19:00, where I got up to go to my cousins for some light-hearted play.
All interactions feel meaningless. Idle chatter just frustrates me. What is going on in my head? Why am I becoming idle in thought and direction? Argh.

Question Existing

Who am I living for?
Is this my limit?
Can I endure some more?
Chances are given,
Question Existing.

Was it all a dream? I can barely tell today. A friend told me last night, 'He's not coming back. Get over him.' Is this true? I don't know. What is the purpose for our lives if not for love? Where do we draw meaning from? Friendships? They are love, I guess, but a lesser type of love, not completing. Looking around me people seem content in their lives. Are they in love? Maybe. Have they experienced their soul being moved by someone else's? I will never know. I doubt there are more people who have been in real love than those who haven't. This begs me to ask: How do those who have not experienced love find happiness in everyday life? That is the key for me at the moment.

The void is large, the knowledge to fill it, weak, and the desire to fill it, weaker. How am I to be satisfied in everyday life? My friendships, the shoulders I thought would lift me through this time, have turned.... not superficial, far from it, but rather... shallow? Is that the word I am after? Perhaps unfulfilling is a better word. ...No, that's wrong too. They are not as satisfying, that is for sure.

Sometimes I wish I had never fallen in love. This would be so much easier. If ignorance is bliss, sometimes I yearn for ignorance. To find happiness in everyday life when there is such an element missing, to gain happiness from everyday interactions and to feel fulfilled from that, would be welcome right now. I must take a step down from love and accept that this break is a good thing. If it is just a break, and not a permanent one.

If it was real, and not a dream. I have all these physical possessions, trinkets that remind me of him, photos of us together... scribbled notes we left for one another. Were they real? Honest? True? Do they really carry as much meaning as I will them too? I would give up everything in my life, my motorbike, television, internet, gold, if I could have him forever. And this questions the difference between my need and want for him, a partial point of this break. I guess I just want to know if he is going through the same thing. That is,
If it is just a break, and not a permanent one.
If it was real, and not a dream.

Who am I living for?
Is this my limit?
Can I endure some more?
Chances are given,
Question Existing.

Home

I'm home now. I don't know if this makes me happy or not. It was kind of nice to ignore Melbourne and become Perth-absorbed for a while, but I suppose I do need to come back to reality now. Also, work tomorrow. I want to be in Perth again.

Indifferent

I'm sort of indifferent today. I know that returning to Melbourne tonight will be lonesome but I am okay. Also hungover.

Weakness

I cried today. Only three days after he left. I only cried because he came online and we spoke for the first time since he left. I knew he was safe though, he texted me. But today I let a little bit of it out. I guess because I am home alone and no one else will be home for a few hours.

Also, yesterday I was feeling quite alone. I doubted the usefulness of my visit, and began to favour the familiarness of home and friends I see more regularly. Then I went to a mates to pick up a baking tray, and he unknowingly made me realise how awesome my mates here are. Doubts stricken from the record I went to a girlfriends for a sleepover.

Night

It is night, and although I have yet to cry, I am feeling quite down. One of my Perth friends took me to the beach tonight. We lay in a swag to keep warm and just stayed there for a while. It was nice. I like the sound of the waves and the clouds moving overhead.

I miss him. I want him back. I am being selfish, I know. Tonight I cry inside.

Done

Bye. I rang this morning before he flew out. He rang me back when he landed in Perth and texted me before the plane took off. He is currently on the four hour flight to Denpasar. He promised to call or text when he lands. He will definately let me know his international number when he gets the new SIM card.
I feel empty. Devoid of feeling. Is this odd? Or is this denial? Or, perhaps there is the slightest chance that I have acknowledged that he is coming back, and have decided not to let this bother me. Having said that, I may have filled myself with false hope - yes he is coming back, and yes he may have mentioned that it could be for more than a week. But I'm not sure I want to believe that. I think it will be easier for me to deal with if I ignore that. The return date is still a mystery to me. I don't know when he will be back. He has hinted he will be back for my birthday. But I don't want to think about that either because it means he will be back for more than a week.

Essentially I don't want him back for more than a week. If he does come back for an extended period of time before finally moving overseas it will be just as hard next time. I don't want to put myself through this more than I have to. I don't want to feel so much because of one person. I want to be stronger than that. But I can't help it. He loves me, and I reciprocate. That is why he cannot come back. That is why I can't see him when he comes back. I must not need him anymore.

Perhaps this is what this is all about: my needing him. Previously we have spoken every day. When he has been travelling it has not been for more than three weeks and so I have not needed to adjust anything. Now he is moving. Indefinately. Well, he will be coming home, but when? He doesn't even know. And yes, I can and will go to visit him, but that cannot be next year at all because my finances will not allow. This will be my hardest part: full, complete independence. My friends seem to think I am stronger than I give myself credit for, but they do not know what I actually feel, because the mask is up in front of everyone. Everyone, including him. He cannot know what is going on with me because then he might do something he will regret later, like come home prematurely. He needs this trip, I can see that. That's why I encouraged him to go. I put myself above my own feelings and thought about what he needs. He needs this trip. Do I?

Goodbye Day

Today we say goodbye. Yes, we will talk on the phone when he is at the airport, but I will not be there and today is our last chance to hug and kiss and cuddle.

I don't how I feel. Once again, it's a complex bag of emotions.

A good thing

So I spent the night with him last night. Our last encounter will be tomorrow, for no more than an hour, as that's all my work schedule permits. He leaves the next morning before I wake up.
This is a good thing.

We talked a fair bit last night, and I've com to realise that this trip will be more beneficial for him than I had first thought. He honestly really does need some time alone, and although it's nothing against me, I happen to be the one who has to deal with it. But that's alright, I will have my own benefits to him leaving. I will rediscover my independence and grow into the next phase of my life. This is a good thing.

The time apart will hlp us both as individuals, but will we be able to reconnect when he returns? How long he is going for will contribute to this, as well as how well we maintain communication. I think that is my biggest fair at the moment: what if we lose what we have and cannot reconnect? What if we fall out of love, or worse, what if one of us falls out of love? But then again, this break could very well be a necessity, one we both need yet one we both are not willing to initiate. In that case,
This is a good thing.

Later...

Doing things helps. It cures the thoughts. Distracts. Makes it seem less prominent and enables me to continue with my life. Perhaps this is how I will deal. Block it out until I am alone and it traps me.
Finally I got some things done today, clicked a few things off a list. Then I watched Dexter. Good show, quite therapeutic, successfully distracted me enough to almost forget the fourth day.
Almost.

Breaking

At night, things seem worse. I know it's not just me. At night, everyone who is even slightly emotional gets their feelings amplified. And as such, when, at night, I have been feeling particularly down about him leaving I have ignored it and passed it off as a night phenomenon. But today... Today was different...

I awoke this morning and the confused but ultimately sad feeling had chased me down and cornered me in a blanket of the soft morning light. Light. Since when does this happen? Since the subconscious countdown got down to four. Four days left. Wow. So today is different. Today I broke. Today I realised that there's only four days left and then... And then what? What will happen when he's gone? I don't know how I will react to it, nor how different my life will be. I do know that it will be hard. I do know that my little trip to Perth is really the mask I will be wearing for a while after the fourth day. I do know that no one really knows or understands what I am going through when I put this mask on. Or even know or understand what I was going through when I had the other mask on. Denial. Works well to block thoughts and present a calm demeanor.
But today is different.
Today I broke.