Done

Bye. I rang this morning before he flew out. He rang me back when he landed in Perth and texted me before the plane took off. He is currently on the four hour flight to Denpasar. He promised to call or text when he lands. He will definately let me know his international number when he gets the new SIM card.
I feel empty. Devoid of feeling. Is this odd? Or is this denial? Or, perhaps there is the slightest chance that I have acknowledged that he is coming back, and have decided not to let this bother me. Having said that, I may have filled myself with false hope - yes he is coming back, and yes he may have mentioned that it could be for more than a week. But I'm not sure I want to believe that. I think it will be easier for me to deal with if I ignore that. The return date is still a mystery to me. I don't know when he will be back. He has hinted he will be back for my birthday. But I don't want to think about that either because it means he will be back for more than a week.

Essentially I don't want him back for more than a week. If he does come back for an extended period of time before finally moving overseas it will be just as hard next time. I don't want to put myself through this more than I have to. I don't want to feel so much because of one person. I want to be stronger than that. But I can't help it. He loves me, and I reciprocate. That is why he cannot come back. That is why I can't see him when he comes back. I must not need him anymore.

Perhaps this is what this is all about: my needing him. Previously we have spoken every day. When he has been travelling it has not been for more than three weeks and so I have not needed to adjust anything. Now he is moving. Indefinately. Well, he will be coming home, but when? He doesn't even know. And yes, I can and will go to visit him, but that cannot be next year at all because my finances will not allow. This will be my hardest part: full, complete independence. My friends seem to think I am stronger than I give myself credit for, but they do not know what I actually feel, because the mask is up in front of everyone. Everyone, including him. He cannot know what is going on with me because then he might do something he will regret later, like come home prematurely. He needs this trip, I can see that. That's why I encouraged him to go. I put myself above my own feelings and thought about what he needs. He needs this trip. Do I?