What's your name? And where do you come from? And where are you going?

I'm so lost. I feel completely out of my depth. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want. I do know that I'm not happy. I do know that to make me happy I'll need a few thousand dollars for an airfare. I do know that my trip overseas does not include the stop off that will make me happy and I also know that I need to not be happy for a while. But dealing with this is hard. I am very lonely. My friends are here, but the dynamic of most of the friendships is changing. I am getting lonelier, growing distant. Things will never be the same again, no matter how much I try. I have lost direction. I don't know what I want from life any more. I don't know what will make me happy. I'm stressed. I don't handle stress well. I hate being aimless.

Death

I am studying for my First Aid Course, and am at the part on Heart Attacks. Reading about Congestive heart failure (when the heart is damaged from a long-standing heart disease or old age) I had a suddenly image overwhelm me:

Me, in a double bed similar to that of my Nan and Gramp's old house, alone, staring at the roof rafters. I have awoken from my sleep because of a heart attack. I'm old. He is dead. He has been dead a while. He is very much on my mind. Along with the pain I felt of losing him. I'm in terrible pain, but unable to make any noise. My heart gives way, I die. Alone. With family in the next room.

Bummed

I really want to ride. A mate posted that he was going for a ride and now I definitely want to ride too. But I can't. Because my stupid wrist is injured. I can't even play Guitar Hero without injuring it. Super sad. I feel so useless. I doubt I will even be able to do that jobs I applied for tonight (in call centres) because, to be honest, it hurts to type. Argh. This is unbelievably frustrating. I am on the verge of tears from frustration.

Also Nats Blues. I feel so alone right now. Look at my pics. Don't I look happy? What happened that made it all change? I think I will play some Guitar Hero then study. I need to keep in the moment. You are happy when you are not worrying about the past or future.

Mates

I think I've figured out my formula to happily navigate nightshift, one week before I change back to days. As long as I get up around 3pm, exercise regularly, try to avoid unhealthy foods, and focus my days off on spending time with mates, it's quite managable. Perhaps I am just on a high.
I mean, who am I kidding? I hate nightshift. I much prefer days. Luckily, three more nightshifts and I am free! Back to a solid, healthy routine. Bring it on. Totally pumped for it.
Also means I can go trekking with my Mum to help train me for Everest in December. I will have a new blog for that, but I won't have it up and running until I am about to leave. Stay tuned, excitement to come!

Argh.
Nightshift is so lonely. I am sick of hanging out with workmates. They are good because we work the same hours but bad because I work with them. I miss my out-of-work mates. The ones I haven't seen in ages because I'm working so much. I hate nightshift. I want dayshift again. Two weeks, chop chop.
Also the perpetual tiredness. WAKE UP! I only got up three hours ago and I'm sleepy enoguh to sleep.
Argh.

Just GO!

Tonight is not the night for waiting.

Tonight I question. This will be a long post, fasten your seat belts.

My mind is restless. People are good at coming up with excuses. I am not in the mood to understand. Why can't I just fly to another country tonight? Why can't I call work and tell them I won't be coming in? Why do I need to hold down a job? There will always be work. The problem with working is that it takes away the time you are supposed to be living.

In life, I just want to be happy. I am not going to get happy by working, I think that is tried and tested. I believe it is a sound statement if I say, 'Happiness is obtained by the experiences we have.' I also believe our experiences are limited if we stay in one place. By experiences, I am talking change-your-life moments; real experiences. Therefore I conclude that if I leave and go somewhere else I am more likely to encounter one of these real experiences, thereby making my life happier.

There comes an age when one is simply too old to continue searching for these experiences. That is when you retire and stay in one place. I am quite sure that, if you counted the number of life changing experiences someone who stayed still their whole life had, and compared it to the number you will have after retirement, the number will be quite similar by the time you are both on your deathbed.

Of course, this cannot be guaranteed, and right now 80% of the people reading this are thinking, 'What a load of bullshit! She is saying we have to travel to be happy!' I'm not. I'm just saying that, personally, I want to be happy. To be happy I have to know myself. To know myself I have to have had the largest variety to experiences possible, as that determines ones personality traits. And I am not going to have the largest variety of experiences possible at home.

The main reason I am still at home is, I am afraid. Of what exactly I cannot tell you. Perhaps it is the mold we all have been raised to... All I know is that tonight, that lingering thought of, 'Just go!' has a louder voice than all the others in my head. The desire to leave Australia is far greater than my perceived rewards should I stay. I also realise, in this mindset, that nothing terribly bad will happen if I just leave. I'll lose my job. Woop-di-doo. That's about it. Essentially, if I were ever going to be at a point in my life to just leave, it would be now. I have close to zero responsibilities, and yet I just cannot pin-point what is keeping me here.

Anyway, to sleep now. Tomorrow is another day at work.

Who do you want to be?

I want to be liked by everyone. Not because I'm concerned with being popular, but I want to be a genuinely nice, caring person, and a reaction from that, I believe, is that more people like you. I've found it hard in the past, and my best mate claims that I have a unique, blunt personality. I am not sure I'm happy with that. I think that by wanting to be someone better I will start to change myself, not dramatically quick, but rather quite subtly instead.

I am Colorblind

Tonight I miss being with him and being in love.

Me.

Who am I? Who do I want to be? How do I want to be perceived? Does it matter how I am perceived? To be genuinely happy with my life do I have to figure out who I am or just forget myself and live in the moment?

A friend told me another friend's honest opinion of me. It was, like me, quite blunt and to the point. Yes, it stung a little. Am I really like that? Was I really a bitch at that incident? Am I really pig-headed enough to believe he was trying to pick me up? Does it matter how I acted as long as I reacted truly to myself? I know a lot of people can't handle my personality as I am quite... immediate. Do I honestly care what people think of me? Yes, to a degree, I most certainly do. Should I change myself so that when I hear opinions like this I hear a reflection of what I want myself to be or should I just accept that my experiences have shaped me into myself and that everyone is entitled to their opinion? I am very divided on this.
On one hand, I want people to say that I am what I morally aim for: honest, wanting the best for those less fortunate, caring, giving, good-hearted, genuinely concerned for others etc. On the other, I do not want to actively change my personality on the basis of others. Perhaps if I continue towards my moral aims in life these opinions will naturally follow.

If my quest in life is to find out who I am, will I regret not living in the moment? Similarly, if my quest in life is to forget myself, live purely in moment and make every experience as awesome as it can be, will I regret not finding myself? Does one of these lead to the other or must an equilibrium be found?

In the end, will I look back and say, "That was who I was. That was what I did. And I do not regret a moment of it."

Boys will be boys

So I was hanging out with the boy I like and his mates. I sorta know his mates through work, but we've only started hanging out because of this boy. So why do they insist on making him look bad? Cracking jokes at his expense? It's rather rude. More importantly, do I do that?? Eeek I will call a mate and ask.

Changes

So I am lasting the week off. It has been hard, and the urge to text immense, but I have survived. This break has made me appreciate him more as I have realised how much I truly love him.

On twitter he updated the he has his first day of uni tomorrow. Whether that means he got a job there or is actually studying I don't know but I wish I did. I suddenly have an overwhelming sense of isolation. Perhaps exclusion is a better word. He is not very good at sharing his life with me and randomly springs information like that. I hate it. What makes him forget to tell me these things?

I found out he was leaving to go overseas by listening to him tell a friend at a dinner. Thanks for the update, appreciate it. I honestly would like for him to share his life with me more. Then again, we aren't together. My bad.

Getting Dragged Back

If you couldn't tell by my last post, I'm quite hormonal at the moment. This may have exploded last night and mainly tonight on the phone to my Mr. Big. I turned into the mutant psycho chick from hell and it wasn't until he said, 'I'm getting really annoyed with you now,' that I realised what I had turned into. I promptly got off the phone and reflected. I'm not sure what it was that suddenly stopped the hormonal influx, and as the only factor I can think of is him saying that, that must be it.

I was really questioning him and why he loves me, if he loves me, how he loves me, why he did this, why he did that... Guys, take your most horrible perception of a chick being upset with you and that's what I was. It was ghastly. I like that word.

There were good things to come of this, however:

• We are both reflecting on our relationship - how we'd like it, how it is, what we feel and mostly are we happy?
• We decided to take a week's break to determine this.
• I came up with the idea of having monthly breaks from one another so we don't get sick of each other or fall into a rut, and to re-evaluate, should we feel the need to.
• These breaks mean entirely no communication. No texts, emails, calls, or face-to-face contact.
• Lastly, I realised I turned into psycho bitch and apologised. He understands how hormones can do that sometimes, but also appreciates that the concerns I raise under the influence of hormones are some genuine thoughts I just haven't consciously realised yet.

This is why I love him. He clears my head. Makes me think logically. He makes me take a step back from the building and look around the corner for a side door. He has had a dramatic effect on my life and changed the way I think for the better, and I am eternally grateful. Lastly,
I love the effect he has on me, the spell.

Hmmm

How do you know if someone really, truly, genuinely loves you? Perhaps the fact that I question this, whether he loves me, proves that I love him, as I clearly want it to work out.

Perhaps I am just hormonal.


I think I am questioning if he 'loves' me because it is a habit, or because I sleep with him. Am I a bad person? I feel it even for thinking these thoughts.

Kidding

Why would a child insist that magnets are magic? At such a young age we do not understand enough to come to a more logical conclusion and therefore, it must be magic. It must be. I mean, what else would make two things stick to each other so insistently?

Adults would tell their offspring that magic is not real, and therefore it is not a logical conclusion. How does such a profound difference in opinion occur? Are there really tiny particles in a magnet that are so attracted to the particles of the other magnet that they must be together? What causes the attraction?

We continue to educate children to teach them to live in today's world. But would they have to learn so much if our forefathers decided innocence was better? Hmmm I feel an evolution debate arising.

I saw a movie tonight which has sparked these thoughts. The protagonist, or main character as children would put it, is the owner of a toy store. But magical things happen in this toy store. When the movie begins, you almost instantly pass him off as a lunatic. And while that may be the case, it is not the whole case, as he professes strange amounts of knowledge and wisdom as the movie progresses. He has a way of thinking and viewing the world that is rather remarkable. He looks through a child's eyes, has an adult's understanding, and yet chooses the child's viewpoint over the scientific. Much more fun.

I would really like to be able to do that, but the magic has gone. Fairies aren't real anymore, they've told me so many times I believe it.

And Dustin Hoffman plays him beautifully.

Young Love.

I had a boyfriend when I was much younger. Could have sworn it was real love. Now that I am older, and wiser, I realise it was really only an infatuation. Puppy Love. It was my first almost-'adult' relationship, a relationship unlike any I had enjoyed previously, and those new found feelings lead me to believe that is what love is.

It wasn't until the following relationship that I learned what love actually is. Yes, I understand and accept that this following relationship may have only been interpreted as love because it was a relationship unlike any I had enjoyed previously. However upon comparison, the following is much more like what I imagined love to be than the first. And it was actually a grown up relationship, none of that teenage drama.

The part that seals the deal for me; makes me believe the following is actual love, is the comparison of pain I felt when both relationships didn't work out. The first one hurt, even though I ended it, however the lead up was obvious and I got over it in about a week. The second one, I'm still not over. It felt like my heart failed. Literally, stopped beating. My breath caught in my throat. My mind emptied but for the single thought that it's over. Then it sped up twice it's normal speed to catch up, bringing tears with it. Once I had calmed down my mind kicked in to defend the love, and I tried every reason under the sun, to no avail. I concluded that he was stupid.

If it's true love, real love, you never stop loving them, no matter what happens.

Love and Marriage

Why do we all have this instinct to try and find love? Is it actually an instinct, or something programmed into us over many generations? Fairytales of form a young girls' impression of love, but boys have less to go on. Maybe that's why there's such a big difference in our views on marriage. Men seem okay with a small, intimate wedding, and yet girls want the biggest event of the year. Men can also feel comfortable to step aside and let their soon-to-be lady have the spotlight and whatever else she wants. I am not sure I understand marriage. I am also not sure I want to. I do know that when I do get married it will be as much about me as it will the groom.

This Morning

...I feel really alone. As in, without attention or affection from boys. Why I need affection from them I don't know. My Mr. Big loves me, definitely, but I feel I cannot go to him when I feel like this. I fear he will think of me as clingy, and I don't want that. So, I will man up and bottle my feelings, spilling them here. And other boys are only good for sex. Sex and fun and dates. That is all. Therefore, I feel alone because I have no one to go to when I want a boyfriend figure. Yes, I have correctly identified what I want right NOW. A boyfriend figure. Oh boyfriend figure, where art thou?

Kids

Ah, kids these days.

I love being able to say that.

So I'm in line at KFC with my girlfriend. We've been served and are awaiting our food. I turn to look over my shoulder (can't remember why) right as this 15yr old kid moves in to that spot on the counter. I've accidently elbowed him, so softly a baby wouldn't even blink at it. He and his mates had being joking around together, so when this happens he complains 'Ow' for a good whole minute. I ignore it, it was no where near hard enough to warrant that response. The girlfriend and I exchange knowing glances. Kids.
Get this, he then appears next to me again, and demands $2. I say no. He presses the issue, in a sing-song voice. Then he threatens to lay assault charges. I laugh and tell him to go ahead. He says he has me on camera (the KFC surveillence), I laugh at him again and say, 'Well go ahead, press charges.' He is just after a reaction and while I did nothing to defuse the situation I didn't encourage him too much. Then, our food is placed in front of us and we walk out.

I remember being that immature. Once.

Ah, kids these days.

30 Posts - Woo!

The world is against me today. It will get better. Optimism helps. But life at home today has made me really just want to be in Perth already. Really. This is good because now I have something to run from, and running is a very satisfying feeling. I will run while I am there too, only run in the physical sense, not the metaphorical. My mate, who I'm staying with, will run with me, I'm sure. We are a similar level of fitness, so running together works well. If I didn't have a blister I would run now, partially out of boredom waiting for work to start.

Oh, and the booking confirmation came through. Finally.

Travel

So, Jetstar royally suck. Couldn't print out my booking confirmation page at the time I paid for it because the printer isn't connected to my laptop and the wireless network isn't working. So I just clicked continue. Turns out I need that page and it's a lot harder to come by. I rang them to be greeted by someone who barely speaks english. They resent the 'confirmation' email. All it had attached was the terms and conditions, like the original. That won't get me on the flight. So I rang again, just now, and he insisted that the email will have the answer, he couldn't just tell me the confirmation number. Argh, so frustrating!!

Off Topic

I've had a welcome distraction from men. Things at work have progressed suddenly, and quite well. Not classified as a promotion because my pay remains the same, I still like to think of it as a step up in the world of work. This has distracted me from the player, the co-worker and my Mr. Big.

Update on the player: Turns out, even though it's not against the rules, it's strongly discouraged for staff and players to date. Apparently it creates all sorts of problems. And, as I value my job over a cute boy, I've had to slow things with him down so as to remain just friends.

Update on the co-worker: Is thinking of moving out from his girlfriend. I strongly advised against. Wants me to roadtrip with him. Want to, but probably won't. I think I've made him realise what he is unhappy with. Oops.

Absence

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I disagree. I now believe that absence makes the heart feel fonder merely because it glorifies the memories we have for a person. Which, in turn, sets us up for failure because when we see them next they have no chance of living up to this awesome, perfect perception we created of them.

Update

So some time has passed. I have had a few interests pass with the time. Currently I am interested in the player. We've only caught up once so I'm still not sure where it will end up. He's 24, works in IT and is single.
Also in this time, I have slept with a co-worker who's girlfriend is also a co-worker. This is an interesting situation, made simpler by our unspoken sworn secrecy of the matter (so I'm posting it on the internet) and because we know I am not his and he is not mine, so anything that happens with anyone else does not concern him. He seems okay with it, and I'm glad. I wouldn't have done it in the first place if I didn't know that he doesn't consider sex cheating. I honestly believe I haven't done anything wrong. I know her, but I am not close enough to call her a friend. And therefore, why should I tell her anything about it? It doesn't really concern me because I didn't initiate anything; I just didn't say stop. Am I trying to justify myself? Yes, I think so. But I do believe he is the one in the wrong, I merely went along with what I wanted and made sure I didn't initiate it.
So things with my Mr. Big. Where are they at, what is happening on that front and down below. I will begin where I left off. So New Years Day I ring him after I finish work at 4am and say, 'Let's hang out, Happy New Year!' Basically he tells me he is in bed and really sleepy. So I offer sex. Why not? To my shock, he refuses, and the call ends. Shortly after I text him asking if he wants to cuddle and spoon instead. Upon getting no response I fall asleep.
Early afternoon I awake and receive a message from him saying, 'Sorry I fell asleep, but I'm about to have a nap so come around whenever.' I have a few hours free until work starts, so I ride around. In all my bike gear, I strip to my singlet and underpants and jump into bed with him. He gently awakens and we sleep together. I get up, shower, and go to work. I spend the next few days trying to text him.
Around this time I start talking to the player and we agree to meet. Then I go to the coast with the co-worker and that happens. Now I am back at home, and he has started texting me more. He even went so far as to ride into my work one night just to say hi for ten minutes.
I think I understand what is happening here. I've stopped messaging and calling him and now he wants me back. But I'm not sure. He invited me over again tonight however I am trying to resist the urge to rush to his side, as I would've done not two weeks ago. It would be great to go to his place tonight, unfortunately I know all that would happen is we'd sleep, and I want to talk to him so I'll wait until tomorrow and call him to organise to meet up. I need to know what is with this last strange combo of messages.

Otherwise, I feel I am moving on quite well. The other boys are a welcome distraction, and, while I still think of him everyday, I am becoming more accepting of being single.