Lonely...

Tonight I feel very pessimistic. Thoughts are crossing my head which have not done for many years. What is the purpose of living? To love? That is the best I can come up with. But he doesn't love me anymore. So why am I living?

Oh hang on, he does love me. He just doesn't want to be with me anymore.

Friends. They are here to fill the void, yes? Okay. So most would agree there are four in my closest circle of friends. Let's call them D, M, and J. I am closest with D, then with M, and I only really hang out with J when I'm with D and M. J is D's best mate, from long before M or I knew them. But D and M are quite close now too. I'm feeling outcast. Also, my only real female friend lives across the country and I feel like I have no one to talk to. No one in this city, at least. D, my closest, I can't open up to like I want to because he's a he.
It's odd.

Tonight I feel so alone.

Why am I so lonely?

Because he came to see me. Damn him. He loves me, and was concerned, so he came to see me two nights ago. This was bad. Now I am going through the loneliness phase again. I just want to be on the other side already. I would go to sleep but I know this feeling of loneliness will carry through tomorrow. Maybe it will get better tomorrow night.

Why are all my mates male? This is really odd to me. I don't understand. Maybe I have some psychological personality disorder. Maybe I should start seeing a shrink. What's the bet if I do the shrink will be male. Fuck. I fail at social. Maybe I am more nerd. Maybe it is the mask that is geek.